Things I Didn’t Know I Loved
(Jamie Connors)
Fourteen years old
I’m sitting in a wheelchair Being pushed by a nurse down a stark white corridor She stops to get my chart
I close my eyes I’m running Muscles flexing, adrenaline pumping
Sweat trickling down my forehead as the sun beats down on my back
Laughter Screaming No one can catch up Speedy Gonzalez
Pure ecstasy The best high in the world…
I open my eyes to the cold, harshly-lit hallway before me My blanket slips I adjust myself,
It’s extremely difficult I’m practically out of breath All seventy five pounds of me ache
Only skin and bones I knew I loved running I never knew I loved muscle, Never knew I loved fat
My nurse comes back She starts wheeling me again We’ve been passing so many people
They’re all staring, but I ignore them My mind is wandering I never knew I loved daydreaming
I’m everywhere and nowhere all at once The chair is still moving But my mind comes to a complete halt Boys.
I feel myself flush Don’t look at me, don’t look at me… They look at me I smile and look at something else, anything else.
I close my eyes I’m walking into a crowded room, Feeling all eyes upon me I smile humbly, but it’s a lie, I’m hot I know I look good
I open my eyes People are staring The boys aren’t smiling back Children, not knowing any better, point Like I’m some animal in the zoo… I never knew I loved blending into anonymity.
I fiddle with my hat I know I look strange I’m bald, I have no eyebrows, No eyelashes To be honest, I don’t think I look that bad bald Some people encourage me to embrace it When I’m out in public With everyone staring I wish I could hide all of me under the hat
But when I’m all alone I’ll look in the mirror and smile I always knew I loved my hair I never knew I’d love it gone
I never knew I loved fresh air I take a deep breath of artificial oxygen Trying to remember the taste of happiness
A cool refreshing September morning Leaves changing Dewy grass Hospital air tastes horrible. Turning a corner, I rub my eyes The florescent lights are so harsh I never knew I loved the sun I close my eyes I’m on a picnic
My mother is making sandwiches Singing the wrong words to a Beatles song My sister is cheerfully picking dandelions The breeze is cool But the sun is so warm and protecting I feel so content, Serene Everything is right in the world… I open my eyes Nothing is right.
A lady walks by with a tray of foodA hot dog and french-fries The smell makes me nauseous I try to hide my disgust, but it’s hard Cafeteria food, no, Worse… Hospital cafeteria food I never knew I loved my mother’s home cooking
Pans crashing Earsplitting screams Smoke and flames But finally a delicious meal I don’t think I’ll ever beg for pizza again.
My nurse leans over She asks me how I’m feeling… Horrible Anxious Lonely Distressed Angry Aggravated “I’m fine, thanks” She smiles So sweet and caring I feel so safe in her care I lover her; I love all of my nurses. I never knew I’d love lying to a nurse
I see a little boy He has cancer So small and skinny A little Red Sox cap covering his little bald head He looks up at me and smiles Beautiful Innocent In so much pain and still smiling It makes me smile. They’ll do that to you, Those kids with cancer…They know when you’re scared When you’re in pain Feeling insecure and all alone That’s when they sneak up on you And smile their beautiful innocent smiles I never knew I loved how much a smile can say It’s going to okay I know what you’re going through Be brave
Be strong. They give me strength What that little boy has just given me.
I look up at my mom and dad My mom is fighting back tears… Her big green eyes You can tell everything about her from those eyes, When she’s happy When she’s mad They always tell you the truth, even when she isn’t I usually love that about her But not right now, Right now I don’t want to know what she’s feeling My dad looks exhausted… The man has worked three jobs all my life And could still come home and wear me out He wakes up every day at 4:30 in the morning Forever running Always busy Never complaining… I have never seen him look so tired Like Superman holding kryptonite, My poor Superman I love them so much, I never knew how much I never knew how much they loved me.
We get to the end of the hallway Double doors, “You ready?” Ready?No I’m not ready! I’m terrified I want to go home and hide under my pillow I wish this was a dream, A nightmare, I want to just wake up… “Yeah, I’m ready.” My mother kisses me I look straight into those eyes, But I already know. My father wraps his arms around me So tight, not want to let go, He lets go.
I close my eyes Not trying to picture anything Not trying to be anywhere else but here, Trying to fight back the tears. This is it. I knew it was coming. But it was surreal It wasn’t really happening… I open my eyes as the doors open up Nothing has ever felt more real
I’m fourteen years old I’m sitting in a wheelchair As a nurse is pushing me down a stark white corridor Just me and the nurse Nothing to look at No one to think about, but myself I never knew loved myself Never knew I’d love doing whatever I could to save myself
Because I love myself so much.